Protecting What Matters Most:  The Couple’s Needs

The “Firefighting Life”

Looking back, I realize that we placed the wrong priorities on our marriage and relationship. We lived what I would call a “firefighting life”—always dealing with whatever seemed most urgent at the moment.

There was always something: Finances. Children’s needs. Ernest’s therapy. Work. Arguments. Toxic quarrels.

We were constantly putting out fires.

And the last people we cared for is US.

We neglected each other’s emotional and physical needs.

If parents are the bedrock of a family, then the marriage is one of the most important relationships in that family. It is a relationship that needs to be protected 300%!

❤️ The Pros

1. We share the journey.

We have shared, conquered and celebrated all the ups and downs of life together. The good times, the difficult times, the exciting times and the times when we wondered what on earth we were doing—we experienced them together.

2. We have each other’s backs.

Through thick and thin, we have continued to support each other. We also built businesses together so that we could be financially stable as we grow older. Khoon runs his Northern Light tour business, while I work in real estate.

There is something comforting about knowing that the person beside you has been through so much of life with you.

3. No matter who you choose, there will always be issues.

Sometimes, we don’t even love ourselves very much. So how can we expect to love another person perfectly every single day without arguments, frustrations or disagreements?

Every relationship has its challenges. The question is how we deal with them.

🌋 The Cons

The difficult years were not without consequences.

It was stressful for the children to live in a constant “volcanic eruption” kind of family life. It affected their growing years.

We don’t know what other options existed at the time. We made the choices we made, bit the bullet, and life goes on.

But one thing became our baseline:

No matter what happens, we remain faithful and trust each other.

Even during the years when we didn’t feel like loving each other, we remained faithful. That alone saved us from having another person come into the marriage and create even more pain and complications.

🧰 How I Coped

🏠 Move the house… or the furniture!

Sometimes I coped by moving houses or rearranging the furniture. It gave me something else to focus on—a physical change in my surroundings instead of constantly focusing on the problems in the marriage.

🛋️ Seek counseling.

We tried counseling, but it wasn’t particularly helpful in our case. By the time the counselor understood where the issues were coming from, we were already in our cooler heads and had moved beyond the immediate crisis.

😏 Set a very high standard for a third party!

That potential boyfriend would have to be better than my husband in looks, health and wealth. Well… that certainly made the competition rather difficult! 😂

🎵 And Then… the 1980s Came Back

Something unexpected happened in 2021.

Our marriage was somehow “saved” or awakened by those long-forgotten 1980s songs.

We had bought a Google Nest—a little electronic gadget that answers questions and plays music.

One day, we said: “Play songs from the 80s.” And, to our amusement, it started playing all our favorite songs from the 1980s.

Suddenly, we were transported back to where we started.

The squash courts.
Getting married.
Having children.
Migrating from country to country.
Moving from BC to the Yukon.

We were so young. We were athletic, energetic, and full of hope. We had dreams. We had a fearless attitude.

Then I looked at Khoon and some of our old photographs.

And I thought:
“Wow… he was so handsome!”

And then I had to admit:
He still is. ❤️

That was when the wake-up bell started ringing.

What happened to us?

💡 Remembering the Good

To save ourselves, we started trying to remember all the good things we had done for each other over the years.

Not just the arguments. Not just the disappointments. Not just the difficult years.

But the whole story.

The young couple we once were.
The adventures we had.
The family we built.
The things we survived.
The things we accomplished together.

❤️ We Have a Choice

At the end of the day, we have a choice.

We can leave.
Or we can choose to protect our marriage.

In my case, I believe that no one will love my children in quite the same way as their biological father. He is responsible, caring and gentle.

So I asked myself:

Why would I want to pass up this good-looking, older-man husband? 😂❤️

Maybe marriage isn’t about never having problems. Maybe it is about surviving the difficult seasons, remembering the good ones, and finding your way back to the two people who fell in love before life became so complicated.

🌱 Protect the marriage. Protect the family.
And remember the love story underneath all the firefighting.